One Great City!

If you have or plan to have kids some day and they happen to ask "mom/dad/master/slavedriver/jerkoff/dumbass that always embarrasses me when my friends are over/ can you please take me to the ultimate place of mediocrity and overrated tourist attractions?" When this happens, you'll be the coolest parent on the block because you'll confidently say, "yes, we're going to Baltimore." I spend a lot of time there and if you live in the great city and feel offended, you're already proving me right because no one else on the planet cares. I don't spend a lot of time in New York City, but I've been there enough and to a few other cities to know Baltimore is a poor excuse for one. Baltimore has come a long way, but I'm glad I wasn't here to see what it was like before. The Inner Harbor is decent, there's alot of bars in some nice areas, but for the most part it's just a dump that's just scraping by like a college kid addicted to meth that's barely making his rent each month with 3 noise violations and a box full of parking tickets under his belt. Baltimore looks like everyone got together one day and said "well, we've come a long way. Things are starting too look good, but it's not happening fast enough. So let's just say fuck it and see what happens." If you're making a trip to Baltimore, here's the landmarks you need to see:

The Inner Harbor

-Have you ever seen that show on Food Network where they build those crazy desserts? There's a guy on the show from Baltimore. I forget his name because he's always whining and he has an ugly piece of hair growing on his chin. Anyways, he's from Baltimore and he built an exact replica of the Baltimore Inner Harbor. Level of difficulty = -1. He built the entire thing out of rice crispies which included a few rectangles, a couple triangles, and a big hole filled with hot sugar to make up the water. Is your city really that great if you can recreate it using a breakfast cereal and a couple basic shapes a 5 year old could throw together? I have to give him credit because he won, but then I'd have to take it back because the judges probably felt sorry for him.

The World Trade Center

-Compared to World Trade Center that once stood in NYC, this one looks like a shit stain in Andre the Giants underwear. It looks like the Empire State building was walking its dog one day, it took a shit, and it was so small that it just left it there because no one would notice it.

The US Constellation

-What better choice to symbolize the stagnant and never changing state of Baltimore than a decommissioned US Battleship. Like the city it lives in, it doesn't go anywhere or do anything exciting. There's also a submarine you can check out if one of your hobbies is not getting your money's worth.

The Power Plant

-Everyone told me this was the place to be. I don't know much about it so I can't rip it too much. What I do know is there's a Hard Rock Cafe that's always blasting horrible music and an ESPN Zone that could pass as an Applebee's. There's a Chipotle there which I do like but it doesn't serve alcohol. I enjoy the Chipotle in NYC by the path train. I have a burrito there, I drink a beer, and then I go home. But in Baltimore, there's a sign that says "cervesa coming soon". It's been there for 3 years. Next time I'm dropping a 6 pack on the counter and saying "here this should get you started".

Urban Outfitters

I got excited when I saw this because all the stores I've been too were awesome and I could waste hours in there. So naturally, I figured I could kill alot of time in my evenings atleast one night a week in there. Maybe I would even pick up a cool Tony The Tiger T-Shirt so people would think I was so fucking "throwback". Unfortunately I was very wrong. Even Arizona has a more impressive store. This one looks like they stock up for one season because the delivery guy doesn't want to come back. 65% of the store is filled with Borak Obama T-Shirts and I've never seen one person wear one.

Baltimore Ravens Stadium

A team decorated in purple with an ugly bird for a mascot. They almost beat the Patriot's last year and I almost won the Mega Millions. I had 4 numbers out of 6. Not bad, but at the end of the day we were both losers. Yes, they beat the Giants in the Superbowl. But when it was all over they had to go back to Baltimore. Who really won there?

Camden Yards

A real New Jersian knows to stay far away from any street, road, train, and boat that leads to Camden. So coming to Baltimore, you'd think of following the same golden rule. After passing Camden Yards you'll notice it's completely surrounded by bricks. Then you'll say to yourself, "wow, we should do the same thing to the Camden in New Jersey". But no, this is where they house the world's sports fans with a dominant gene for stupidity. It's where the Orioles try to play baseball. Cal Ripken Jr. is their most celebrated sports icon and all he did was show up, that's it. He woke up everyday and said, I'm going to work today, just like every other American. If I was making millions every year, I'd make sure I was going to work too. It's not like he hit a bunch of homeruns. Cal Ripken Sr. must be a real baseball dynamo.