One Great City!

If you have or plan to have kids some day and they happen to ask "mom/dad/master/slavedriver/jerkoff/dumbass that always embarrasses me when my friends are over/ can you please take me to the ultimate place of mediocrity and overrated tourist attractions?" When this happens, you'll be the coolest parent on the block because you'll confidently say, "yes, we're going to Baltimore." I spend a lot of time there and if you live in the great city and feel offended, you're already proving me right because no one else on the planet cares. I don't spend a lot of time in New York City, but I've been there enough and to a few other cities to know Baltimore is a poor excuse for one. Baltimore has come a long way, but I'm glad I wasn't here to see what it was like before. The Inner Harbor is decent, there's alot of bars in some nice areas, but for the most part it's just a dump that's just scraping by like a college kid addicted to meth that's barely making his rent each month with 3 noise violations and a box full of parking tickets under his belt. Baltimore looks like everyone got together one day and said "well, we've come a long way. Things are starting too look good, but it's not happening fast enough. So let's just say fuck it and see what happens." If you're making a trip to Baltimore, here's the landmarks you need to see:

The Inner Harbor

-Have you ever seen that show on Food Network where they build those crazy desserts? There's a guy on the show from Baltimore. I forget his name because he's always whining and he has an ugly piece of hair growing on his chin. Anyways, he's from Baltimore and he built an exact replica of the Baltimore Inner Harbor. Level of difficulty = -1. He built the entire thing out of rice crispies which included a few rectangles, a couple triangles, and a big hole filled with hot sugar to make up the water. Is your city really that great if you can recreate it using a breakfast cereal and a couple basic shapes a 5 year old could throw together? I have to give him credit because he won, but then I'd have to take it back because the judges probably felt sorry for him.

The World Trade Center

-Compared to World Trade Center that once stood in NYC, this one looks like a shit stain in Andre the Giants underwear. It looks like the Empire State building was walking its dog one day, it took a shit, and it was so small that it just left it there because no one would notice it.

The US Constellation

-What better choice to symbolize the stagnant and never changing state of Baltimore than a decommissioned US Battleship. Like the city it lives in, it doesn't go anywhere or do anything exciting. There's also a submarine you can check out if one of your hobbies is not getting your money's worth.

The Power Plant

-Everyone told me this was the place to be. I don't know much about it so I can't rip it too much. What I do know is there's a Hard Rock Cafe that's always blasting horrible music and an ESPN Zone that could pass as an Applebee's. There's a Chipotle there which I do like but it doesn't serve alcohol. I enjoy the Chipotle in NYC by the path train. I have a burrito there, I drink a beer, and then I go home. But in Baltimore, there's a sign that says "cervesa coming soon". It's been there for 3 years. Next time I'm dropping a 6 pack on the counter and saying "here this should get you started".

Urban Outfitters

I got excited when I saw this because all the stores I've been too were awesome and I could waste hours in there. So naturally, I figured I could kill alot of time in my evenings atleast one night a week in there. Maybe I would even pick up a cool Tony The Tiger T-Shirt so people would think I was so fucking "throwback". Unfortunately I was very wrong. Even Arizona has a more impressive store. This one looks like they stock up for one season because the delivery guy doesn't want to come back. 65% of the store is filled with Borak Obama T-Shirts and I've never seen one person wear one.

Baltimore Ravens Stadium

A team decorated in purple with an ugly bird for a mascot. They almost beat the Patriot's last year and I almost won the Mega Millions. I had 4 numbers out of 6. Not bad, but at the end of the day we were both losers. Yes, they beat the Giants in the Superbowl. But when it was all over they had to go back to Baltimore. Who really won there?

Camden Yards

A real New Jersian knows to stay far away from any street, road, train, and boat that leads to Camden. So coming to Baltimore, you'd think of following the same golden rule. After passing Camden Yards you'll notice it's completely surrounded by bricks. Then you'll say to yourself, "wow, we should do the same thing to the Camden in New Jersey". But no, this is where they house the world's sports fans with a dominant gene for stupidity. It's where the Orioles try to play baseball. Cal Ripken Jr. is their most celebrated sports icon and all he did was show up, that's it. He woke up everyday and said, I'm going to work today, just like every other American. If I was making millions every year, I'd make sure I was going to work too. It's not like he hit a bunch of homeruns. Cal Ripken Sr. must be a real baseball dynamo.

Let's talk about people we hate

This week we are going to hate Brett Favre. He selfishly took over my Sportscenter for a solid month. I sleep with the TV on Sportscenter so whenever I woke up , 90% of the time I had to hear about Brett Favre. You see more crying in a Brett Favre press conference than an episode of America's Next Top Model. And atleast when I watch that it's funny and there's some nice tail to look at. If you don't want to retire, then why are you doing it and crying all over TV about it? He's an attention whore that the media built up as God's gift to football. The best part is he said he just loves to play but then when Green Bay offered him a deal for merchandising he thought about not coming back. This guy is a sham and a half. And now I'm stuck watching him every Sunday, playing for the "no chance in hell" New York Jets. The Jets are the "less thans" to the New York Giants, which up until last year was a sad thing to be. The Jets are like the little brother who feels lucky his older brother lets him tag along on the weekends. For all of you that missed this great story, here's the official timeline of events.

March 6th - Favre's emotional retirement news conference.

March 7th - Favre takes out his tampon and goes to Wal-Mart to buy more in bulk because he knows he is going to be upset for a long time.

March 14th - After a week of retirement, Favre becomes extremely bored and starts wearing his wife's clothes

March 15th - Favre opens up an account at all the popular lady boutiques in town and stocks up for the summer season.

April 1st - Favre's kids play an April Fool's joke and call him a man. Favre holds a press conference and cries

April 30th - Favre runs out of tampons quicker than expected.

May 15th - Favre realizes he's a week late.

June 10th - Brett Favre finds what tiny amount is left of his already tiny balls and decides to try and make a comeback. After all, he's a moron and throwing a football is all he knows how to do.

June 16th - Favre begins talks with Green Bay about coming back

June 17th - Everyone in Green Bay takes a break from sleeping with their sisters to read the news headlines

July 10th - Favre learns how to read and after reviewing his contract he decides it sucks and he wants out

July 11th - Favre's asks to be released from the Packers

July 12th - Packers management has a huge party behind closed doors

July 13th - Packers management decides to extend the party one more day

August 7th - Favre is traded to the Jets

August 8th - Brett Favre buys a white BMW and a house in Wayne and Tom's River. His children start obsessing over Bon Jovi and his wife develops an addiction to Taylor Ham.

August 25th- Favre and his family still can't figure out the Parkway, Turnpike, and are tired of being called Redneck assholes.

SHUT IT DOWN MIKE!!

I'm back to blogging again. It's been a long time and I almost gave up because I couldn't figure out what my password was. Summer was kinda slow and I spent every week in Baltimore. Hopefully things pick up in the fall. We had a pub crawl for Missy's birthday last night and I got kicked out of the Muse for reciting this Jerky Boys prank.



We also had our friend YUENG-LING from Beijing visit us for the weekend. He loves the Olympics!

DJ Very Vicious is still in the works. I didn't have a computer to record songs with up until a month ago. Wednesday's still have a post about people we hate. That's it for now.

response from Dr Phil

Someone actually wrote back to my post on Dr. Phil's website. I definitely lol'ed and lamo'ed all over the place after I read this. I don't care what anyone says! I think I'm still a nice guy.

"what you are doin suggests differently. A nice guy wouldn't sleep with anyone's girlfriend, let alone your friend's girlfriend. Wake up buddy, you can't take back what you do. If you were a nice guy, you're not anymore, you no longer have the right to claim that without making a liar of yourself as well."

Let's talk about people we hate. GET REAL PEOPLE!!

I really cannot stand Dr. Phil. It's not that I hate him, I just hate seeing and hearing him on TV. Dr. Phil has an incredible super power that he is unaware of: He can irritate two of my 5 (maybe 6) senses faster than the Millenium Falcon flying at lightspeed. First, my eyes immediately focus on his bald head. His baldness and head are so annoyingly shaped it makes my blood boil. Then I hear his nagging voice with the power of 10,000 old ladies yelling at you for walking on their lawn. So in a matter of .00002 seconds I have this ugly shaped talking cranium piercing my ears out of nowhere. Anyone that goes on TV and thinks they can solve their problems are so stupid they probably couldn't pour water out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel. Who sits at home and says "I need to hear Dr. Phil say "Get Real" on national television, that's the only thing that will cure me!! Only he can help me get better and stop me from being afraid of my antique frying pan and return me to my normal life."
I decided to go to Dr. Phil's website to see what all this jawin was about. I noticed there was this phenomenon going on and it was that everyone wants to be a Dr. Phil. He has a message board where people post their problems and strangers write back and try to help you..... just like Dr. Phil!!! So I decided to join it and make a post. I titled it "What would Dr. Phil say?". Which is kind of a rhetorical question because we know he says "Get Real" to everything. I'll post some replies as they come in. Here's my post:

What would Dr. Phil say?
Lately I've been sleeping with my friends' girlfriends. I'm a really nice guy. Never cheated on a girlfriend or anything like that, so this is very out of character for me. It started out with a girlfriend of a guy I only knew through another friend, so it wasn't that bad. That lasted for a few months and then things got a little crazier. I have about 3 best friends that are guys and in the past month I've slept with all of their girlfriends (sometimes with two of them at the same time). I feel really guilty and last week my one friend found and didn't even didn't care (he wants to break up with her anyway). So now that I've been given 33.33333% permission to do this, it just keeps getting progressively worse. I never even considered myself an attractive guy but for the past 6 months I've been spending about 3 hours a day at the gym since work has been very slow. It's always nice having a steady flow of women coming at you, but I'm starting to feel like a piece of meat. Tonight I went to my friend's house to pick up my Star Wars Trilogy DVD box set (awesome by the way!) and his recently divorced mom was throwing herself at me

St. Patrick's Day

This weekend was semi dicey. Friday I spent my day snowed in and finishing up an incredibly long week of work. Some guy also decided to drive like a maniac in the snow and take out our street sign, knock over our neighbors garbage cans, and cruise about 30 feet down our neighbors lawn. Saturday I went to Phili to visit my buddy and ex-Foster merch guy, ERIC SMITH. He runs a sweet blog called Geekadelphia that you should check out. We took a trip to a party over in Rittenhouse Square and I got drunk on Steel Reserve just like old times. Unfortunately I forgot my camera so nothing incredible was documented. I will make up for it this weekend though. Saturday is the yearly St. Patrick's Day Celebration in Hoboken. I'm kicking around the idea of getting some shirts made up, so let me know if you're interested. We are taking the train early, no sleeping in!!

Matt Fedor has a long lost twin Indian brother! ORLY?!

Let's talk about people we hate

Every Wednesday we're going to talk about people we hate . This week's winner is my most hated band at the moment, NICKELBACK. They ruin my drive to and from work every fucking day! They takeover every channel that I have preset on my radio. Sometimes they're on more than one channel at the same time, and here's the kicker: Sometimes it's the same song!! I'd like to know what losers are calling in requests for "ROCKSTAR" on the XM Top 20 channel. On top of that, who is still requesting Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry"? Who out there is saying "wow, I haven't heard that song enough."? I won't go off on that because we can hate Fergie next week. I've thought about starting a petition that would demand XM to ban Nickelback from every channel for just one day. I've even had the fantasy of suggesting it as my dying wish for my last day on the planet earth. XM could never say no to that. It would be great to turn on my radio and know I wouldn't hear that raspy middle-aged Meg Ryan look-alike prick polluting my musically spoiled ears.

Blackass returns

This week we had a snow storm which almost kept me trapped in the beautiful town (city?) of Yonkers. I made it home but I vowed to get TWISTED on Friday as a reward for my exceptional winter driving. Friday night came and brought us the return of Gautam (aka Blackass). We all took a knee in honor of the night ahead of us and let Dan say a few words.




Missy decided it would be a good idea to wear my limited edition Hurley sweatshirt out to the bar that night. I was very nervous...

Out of nowhere I found this sweet hat on ebay that some sucker was selling from Jersey City. Only 99 cents!!

Dan had a dance off

Missy was the meat in a man sandwich
Eileen was sick all weekend and didn't go out so we couldn't leave her out of the blog

Deadbolt and Knoblock

On Friday when Jeff came home we had to break into his room because he locked the door and left the key in there. I was already in "weekend mode" walking around the house in my underwear and drinking a beer. I am the offical handyman in the house so there was no escaping some home improvement.

"If the women don't find you handsome, they should atleast find you handy." Red Green

Mike and Jill also came to visit with the twins. We went out on Friday and got twissssssted!! Listen at the 25 second mark in the video for Missy yelling "are you going to put this in the blog."




Jody says I'm the "bad uncle" and I told her she's the BITCH auntie (NAN said the same thing).



Me and Gianna talked about The Super Bowl and the greatest day. I never held a baby before, so I wasn't very comfortable.
Friday night we got TWISTED!
Mike made friends
And that is what was left of Jeff's door knob.

Get some PUSS - Y

For all you kids out there that are going to prom this year, watch this and learn how to save that special night from taking a turn towards DISASTER!!

18 - 1

ELIJAH!!

Incase you haven't heard or your name is Giselle Bundchen, The Giants won the Super Bowl. I love watching Tom Brady get sacked and I also love watching Bill Belichick look even more mad than usual. I'm sorry the 18 games you won are now completely meaningless. It's like going out to 18 bars , bringing home 18 supermodels that all want to sleep with you, and your friends take them all home instead for wild sexy time because you're too busy heating up pizza rolls and checking my blog.

Jeff likes the Patriots, so he was punished!!

Boots with the furrrrrrrrrrr!!

I didn't have my camera for both nights this weekend so I added some pictures from our first couple weekends in the new house.

I also added a word to the Urban Dictionary. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=astrange. My previous contributions include Pantera, Exit Head, and SOMD. Look 'em up, that's all me!


We played guitar hero so much we burnt out our playstation

Mike D came to visit and we went to George and Martha's. At the end of the night he was behind the DJ Booth and I was cutoff for causing a ruckus

We went out for Kristen's birthday this weekend and Missy found herself behind the bar passing out beers to everyone. Good thing we knew the bartender. Thanks Arnab!
Missy reaches Level 10

And in the morning it's all my fault and I get a foot to the groin.

American Psycho

I've been on an American Psycho quoting frenzy the past few weeks. If you can get past all the blood and gore, it's a hilarious movie.

The blog is back fo' real!

The blog is back in action! So much great stuff that only benefits my life and has nothing to do with yours has happened since my last post! LOL! ROFL! LMAO!

-I moved to Morristown with my good friends Jeff, Missy, and Eileen. You might remember that crazy character Missy from my first blog.

-My glorious band Foster has come to an end. Tom is moving to Washington DC and we wish him the best of luck and hope he never finds out I borrowed his toothbrush everyday on tour.

-Jeff, Jim, and myself are starting a new band. We have lots of songs and I'm excited to start a new project.

-I have taken on the name "DJ Very Vicious". Soon I will unleash my myspace page and mission statement which has nothing to do with music and everything to do with sex, alcohol, and fashion. More on the manifest destiny of DJ Very Vicious will be coming soon...

OLTATB (Okay Let's Talk About The Blog)

I'll put up all the wacky and embarrassing pictures from the weekends like I always did, but in between I'll post some other fun stuff so my blog isn't naked all week. I don't have a name for it yet but I plan to buy a domain so it'll be www.??????.com instead of the blogspot.com garbage. For now the link is http://thingsaregettingdicey.blogspot.com/. LOST is back on tonight! GO GIANTS! GO HOME PATRIOTS!